1.White ＆ Nerdy
They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
We really white n' nerdy
First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills I'm a
Champion of DND
MC Escher that's
My favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
I got Stephen Hawking in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I got Pi out to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed, my fingers
movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer rap I haven't run
A past gal well I'm number 1
I play with calculus just for fun
I ain't got a get but I gotta soldering gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy？
I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
all my ergonomic keyboard
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized the Holy Grail
Really well
I can recite it right now have you
ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call？
I do HTML do for them all
Even make a homepage for my dog!
Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me get freaky!
I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Piccard？
I spend every weekend
at the Renaissance Faire
I got my name on my underwear!
They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
2.Pancreas
Yankovic-Pancreas
Oooh oooh oooh ee-oooh oooh oooh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh-oooh oooh
Oooooh
I'm always thinkin' 'bout it
I don't know what I'd do without it
I love, I really love
My pancreas
My spleen just doesn't matter
Don't really care about my bladder
But I don't leave home without
My pancreas
My pancreas is always
There for me
Ahh-oooh
Secreting those enzymes (bap bap bap)
Secreting those hormones too
Metabolizing carbohydrates
Just for me
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ooooooh
My pancreas attracts every other
Pancreas in the universe
With a force proportional
To the product of their masses
And inversely proportional
To the distance between them
Woo woo woo woo
Don'tcha you know you gotta
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Won'tcha
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow, flow flow, pancreatic juice)
They gonna help with our digestion
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenium)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
3.Canadian Idiot
Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Don't wanna be some beer-swillin' hockey nut
And do I look like some frostbitten hosehead？
I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed
They all live on donuts and moose meat
And they leave the house without packing heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny？
Their stupid Monopoly money
Can't take 'em seriously at all
Well, maple syrup and snow's what they export
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a thing they're talkin' aboot
Sure, they've got their national healthcare
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again, well, they've got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And dream of drivin' a Zamboni
All over Saskatchewan
Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Won't figure out the temperature in Celsius
See the map, they're hovering right over us
Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous
Always hear the same kind of story
Break their nose, and they'll just say 'Sorry!'
Tell me, what kinda freaks are that polite？
It's gotta mean they're all up to something
So quick, before they see it coming
Time for a pre-emptive strike
4.I'll Sue Ya
I sued Taco Bell
'Cause I ate half a million Chalupas
And I got fat!
I sued Panasonic
They never said I shouldn't use their microwave
To dry off my cat
Huh, I sued Earthlink
'Cause I called them up
N' they had the nerve to put me on hold
I sued Starbucks
'Cause I spilled a Frappucino in my lap
And brrr, it was cold!
I sued Toys'R'Us
'Cause I swallowed a Nerf ball
And nearly choked to death
Ugh, I sued PetCo
'Cause I ate a bag of kitty litter
And now I got bad breath!
I sued Coca-Cola, yo
'Cause I put my finger down in a bottle
And it got stuck!
I sued Delta Airlines
'Cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey
I went there, and it sucked!
Yeah!!!
If you stand me up on a date
If you deliver my pizza 30 seconds late
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah I might even sue you!
Ugh!!
I sued Duracell
They never told me not to shove that double-A
Right up my nose
I sued Home Depot
'Cause they sold me a hammer
Which they knew I might drop on my toes
I sued Dell Computers
'Cause I took a bath with my laptop
Now it doesn't work
I sued Fruit of the Loom
'Cause when I wear their tightie-whities on my head
I look like a jerk
I sued Verizon
'Cause I get all depressed
Any time my cell phone is roaming
I sued Colorado
'Cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much
Like Wyoming
I sued Neiman Marcus
'Cause they put up their Christmas decorations
Way out of season
I sued Ben Affleck
Aw, do I even need a reason？
Ugh!
If I sprain my ankle
While I'm robbing your place
If I hurt my knuckles
When I punch you in the face
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, that's right I'm gonna sue you
Ugh!
Ugh!
Ugh!
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
Ha-ha ha ha-haa
I'll sue ya!
What'chall think of that？
I'll sue ya!
Ha-ha ha ha-haa
Boo ya!
I'll sue ya!
Ugh!
5.Polkarama
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
And the base keeps runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
I say don't you know
You say you don't go
I say... take me out!
I say you don't show
Don't move, time is slow
take me out!
Beverly Hills - That's where I want to be! (gimme, gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills
Beverly Hills - Rolling like a celebrity! (gimme, gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on
Alright...
Feel good
Feel good
Feel good
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me？
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me？
Dont cha？
Dont cha？
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me？
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me？
Dont cha？
Dont cha？ Dont cha？ Dont cha？
Somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
Well, I've got potential
A rushin' and rushin' around
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollypop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)
We'll take you to the candy shop (yeah)
Boy one taste of what we got (un'huh)
We'll have you spending all you got (come on)
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)
When the pimp's in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
When the pigs try to get at ya
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up？
All the gal pon the dancefloor wantin' some more what
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up？
Hey Mr.
Please Mr. DJ
Tell me if you hear me
Turn the music up!
She take my money (she take my money)
When I'm in need (when I'm in need)
Yea she's a triflin' friend indeed (friend indeed)
Oh she's a gold digga way over town (way over town)
That digs on me
Hey! Hey!
Now I aint sayin she's a gold digger
But she aint messin wit' no broke broke
Now I aint sayin she's a gold digger
But she ain't messin wit' no broke broke
Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl, go head
But I ain't sayin' she's a
Gold gold digger (gold gold)
Gold gold digger (gold gold)
Gold gold digger (gold gold)
Hey!
take me out!
6.Virus Alert
Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please
Really want to give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
'Bout a dangerous, insidious comuter virus
If you should get any mail with the subject：'Stinky Cheese'
Better not go taking your chances
Under no circumstances
Should you open it or else it will
Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record 'Gigli'
Neuter your pets and give your laundry static cling
(Look out!) It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
(Look out!) Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
(Look out!) Erase your hard drive and your back-ups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then it will tie up your phone making crank long distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour
And start hogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie
Legally change your name to Reggie
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool
(Look out!) It's gonna melt your face right off of your skull
(Look out!) And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
(Look out!) And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're tryin'
to sleep
(Look out!) And make you physically attracted to sheep
(Look out!) Steal your identity and your credit cards
(Look out!) Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
(Look out!) Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right, it's a...
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before it e-mails your grandmother all of your porn...
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a 43-foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were
online
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for？
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you
know
Hit... send... right... now
7.Confessions Part III
Watch this
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I came up up with
more secrets to tell you today
These are my confessions
Slip my mind the last two times
Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three of my confessions
First I told you about the skank that I was cheating with,then I
mentioned she's having my kid
That's not all, now I recall more you see, so I'll give you part
three of my confessions
Now this is gonna be the hardest thing I ever had to do,
Gonna tell you everything I left out of parts one and two
Like remember when I told you I knew Paulie Shore (Paulie Shore)
That's a lie, I don't know what I said that for
I borrowed your chapstick (from you)
I tried out your nose hair trimmer (too)
And by the way your diamond ring is cubic circonium,
I killed your goldfish accidently, just replaced it with another
one
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I needed to get some
things off my chest right away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta
give you part three of my confessions
I threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink
There have been times when I've peed in your sink
Don't know why, but you and I should agree that belongs in part
three of my confessions
Baby forgive me I'm still trying to figure out why I used your
toothbrush to clean off the bathroom grought
Oh and sometimes in private, I really like to dress up as
Shirley Temple and spank myself with a hockey stick (hockey
stick)
My boss thinks I'm a jerk, I didn't get that raise.
I haven't changed my underwear in twenty-seven days!
And when I'm kissing you I fantasize you as a midget
I'm so sorry Debbi! I mean Bridget!
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I got a few more
secrets I'd like to convey
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta
give you part three of my confessions
Gave you buttered toast I dropped and then picked up off the
floor
FYI it was not a cold sore
Ooops my bad, but you'll be madder at me when I finish part
three of my confessions
You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this, but
remember that shirt that you got me for my birthday？
Well, I returned it for store credit. That thing was hideous,
what were you thinking？
O and by the way, I wasn't really sick last week,
I just didn't wanna go to your stupid office picnic
Oh and when I told you at breakfast we were all out of rice
krispies,
What I meant was that there was only enough left for me. Sorry.
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say, I thought of some
more things that should scare you away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta
give you part three of my confessions
Once I blew my nose and wiped it on your cat
And I lied, yes that dress makes you look fat
Anyway, I shouldn't say anymore 'til I give you part four of my
confessions
8.Weasel Stomping Day
Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy Ho! It's Weasel Stomping Day
Put your Viking helmet on
Spread that mayonaisse on the lawn
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day
All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You'll know what this day's about
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out
So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their weasely spines in half
Grap your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Yankovic-Weasel Stomping Day
People love them down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it, who can say？
But it's such a festive holiday
So let the stomping fun begin
Bash their weasely skulls right in
It's tradition, that makes it okay
Hey everyone, it's Weasel Stomping
We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping
Put down your gun, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Hip Hip Hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Weasel Stomping Day
Hey!
9.Close But No Cigar
Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same
And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always using the word 'infer'
When she obviously meant 'imply'
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why
And I told her, I said
'Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey？
No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
But no cigar!'
Yankovic-Close But No Cigar
Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanjero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Momma Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD
Oh, no! I said
'Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo？
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
Oh, so very close! (Close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!'
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(ALL RIGHT!)
Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rif solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big
I said
'Hey! Are we doing government work here？
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
So very, very close! (Close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!'
Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)
10.Do I Creep You Out
I know that you
Don't know me very well
We've barely met
But I can surely tell
No one will ever
Love you like I do
I like to feel
The warm spot on your chair
Sometimes I drool
And usually I stare
My precious one
I saved that gum
That you threw in the garbage
You're the one I dream about
But the only question with me now
Is 'Do I creep you out？'
Everytime I shake your hand now
Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth
Do I creep you out？
Call you every night and hang up
Gonna carve your name in my leg
In my leg, oh-oh!
Somethin' I should ask about
Can I sniff the pit-stains on your blouse？
And do I creep you,
Do I creep you out？
(Your restraining order's out)
(Still the only question with me now)
Oh the only question
(Is 'Do I creep you out？')
Is 'Do I creep you out？'
Know exactly where you live now
Follow you from work right to your house
Well, do I creep you out？
Do I creep you out？
11.Trapped In The Drive-Thru
Seven O'Clock in the evening
Watchin somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees me
She says 'Is this 'Behind the Music'
With Lynard Skynard？'
And I say 'I don't know.
Say, it's gettin' late...watcha wanna do for dinner？
She says 'I kinda had a big lunch.
So I'm not super hungry.'
I said 'Well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either
But I could eat.'
She said 'So whadya have in mind？'
I said 'I don't know what about you？'
She said 'I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat.'
I said 'That's what we're gonna do!'
'But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!'
And she says 'Let me think...
...What's left in our refridgerator？'
I said 'Well, there's tuna, I know.'
She said 'That went bad a week ago!'
I said 'Is the chili OK？'
She said 'You finished that yesterday!'
I hopped up and I said
'I don't know, do you want to get something delivered？'
She's like 'Why would I want to eat liver？
I don't even like liver!'
I'm like 'No, I said 'delivered'.'
She's like 'I heard you say liver!'
I'm like 'I should know what I said...'
She's like 'Whatever, I just don't want any liver!'
Well I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me？
Well I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry
Callin' for the third time today...
My wife said 'Let it go to voicemail.'
I said, 'OK.'
'Where were we？ Oh, Dinner, Right
So what d'ya want to do？'
She said 'Why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen？'
'Yeah,' I said, 'Why don't you？'
And then she said 'Baby, can't we just go out to dinner,
please？'
I says 'No'
She says 'Yes'
I says 'No'
She says 'Yes'
I says 'No'
She says 'Yes...
...Oh, here's your keys'
I step a little bit closer
Say 'OK, where ya want to go？'
She says 'How about The Ivy？'
I said 'Yeah, well I don't know...'
I don't feel like gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food
She's says 'Olive Garden？'
I say 'Nah, I'm not in the mood...
...And Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt'
She says 'Just forget about it'
I said 'No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!'
Then I get an idea
I says 'I know what we'll do!'
She says 'What？'
I say 'Guess'
She says 'What？'
I say 'We're goin' to the drive-thru!'
So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru!
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru？
Well here we are
In the drive-thru line, me and her.
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us.
All just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
'Hey, Whatcha tryin to do, blind me？'
My wife says 'Maybe we should park...
...We could just go eat inside.'
I said 'I'm wearin' bunny slippers
So I ain't leavin' this ride...'
Now a woman on a speaker box
Is sayin' 'Can I take your order, please？'
I said 'Yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese.'
Then my wife says
'Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich
Instead, this time'
I said 'You always get a cheeseburger!'
She says 'That's not what I'm hungry for.'
I put my head in my hands and screamed,
'I don't know who you are anymore!'
The voice on the speaker says
'I don't have all day!'
I said 'Then, take our order,
And we'll be on our way!
I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger, too
She's like 'You want onions on that？'
I'm like 'Yeah, I already said that I do...
...Plus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it!
And two medium root beers
No, just one, we'll split it.'
Then I said 'I'm guessin' that
You're probably not too bright...
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right.'
She says 'One, you want a chicken sandwich.
Two, you want a cheeseburger
Three, curly fries, and a large root beer'
'Stop, don't go no further!'
'I never ordered a large rootbeer
I said medium, not large!'
Then she says 'We're havin' a special,
I supersized you at no charge.'
'Oh.' And that's all
I could say, was 'Oh.'
And she says 'Now there is somethin' else
That I really think you should know.
You can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more...'
I say 'Great, except we're in the drive thru...
So what would I want that for？'
Then she says 'Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar...hey, is this Paul？
And my wife is all like 'No, that ain't Paul,
Now tell me, who's this Paul？
She says 'Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me.
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off him in Geometry.
I said 'I know a guy named Paul.
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer.
He also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe.'
And she said 'Mister, please, you can stop right there,
That's way more than I needed to know!'
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
Then she says 'Next window please,
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents.'
So we inched ahead in line
Movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radio...
Turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly
For her sake.
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said 'Um,
I think you have somethin' in your teeth.'
She turned away from me
And then turned back and said 'Did I get it？'
I said 'Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it.'
Then she said 'How about now？'
I said 'Yeah, almost.
There's still a little bit there
But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast.'
Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!
And the lady at the window's like,
'Well, well that'll be five eighty two.'
I turn around to my wife, and say
'How much have you got on you？'
She just rolls her eyes and says
'I'll pay for this, I guess.'
So she reaches into her purse
And pulls out the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says 'Oh, dear.
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here.'
I took back the card and said
'Gee, really？ Well that sucks.'
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carryin' three bucks.
I said 'I thought you were
Going to hit the ATM today'
She says 'I never got around to it
So where's your wallet anyway？
And I said 'Nevermind,
Just help me to find some change...'
Now the lady at the window
Is lookin at me kinda strange...
And she says 'Mister, please,
We gotta move this line along'
I said 'Now hold your stinkin' horses lady,
We won't be long.'
We looked around inside the glove-box
And check the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in the ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space betweent he seats
Before long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
'You're still about a dollar short'
And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, 'you know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place'
And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said 'OK
Forget the chicken sandwich then'
So I pick up my change
Pick up my reciept
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearin' a dorky nametag that says
'Hello, my name is Eugene.'
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him 'Hey, Eugene,
Can I get some ketchup for my fries？'
Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says 'I'm sorry
What did you want again？'
I say 'Ketchup!'
And he says 'Oh yeah, that's right...
...I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight.'
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad
With its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say 'Baby, gimme that burger,
I just gotta have a bite!'
So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burger
And then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
They forgot the onions!
Turned it off
12.Don't Download This Song
Once in a while
Maybe you will feel the urge.
To break into national copyright law
By downloading mp3s
From file sharing sites
Like morphous or grogster or limewire or kazza.
But deep in your Heart.
You know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
Cause you start out stealing songs
Then you're robbing liquor stores
And selling Crack
And running over school kids with your car
So Don't Download This Song
The record store is where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don't Download This Song
Oh you don't want to mess
With the R I Double A
They'll sue you if you burn that Cdr.
It doesn't matter if you're a grandma
Or a seven year old girl
They'll treat you like the evil Hard-bitten criminal scum you
are
So Don't Download This Song (don't go)
Pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don't Download This Song
Don't take away money
From artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Hum V
And diamond studded swimming pools
These things don't grow on trees
So all I ask is everybody Pleaseeeeee
Don't Download This Song (Don't do it No No)
Even Lars Urlich Know it's wrong (You could just ask him)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (You Really
Should)
Oh Don't Download This Song
Don't Download This Song (Oh please don't you do it or you)
Might Wind up in Jail like Tommy Chong (Remember Tommy)
Go and buy the CD (Right Now) like you know that you should (Go
out and Buy it)
Oh Don't Download This Song.
Don't Download This Song (No no no no no no)
Or you'll burn in hell before to long (And you deserve it)
Go and buy the CD (Just buy it) like you know that you should
(You should get it)
| 
